Play 1

Living Room Panic

by Jeff Goode

(LIGHTS UP ON: Living Room of a small House.  Front Door SL.  Window with tattered blinds UC.  Stage Right is a long narrow Hallway leading UR.  At the end of the hallway, a Door to the R, presumably leads to the basement.  The Living Room is filled with furniture and debris, stacks of old newspapers, most of it piled against the front door.)

(KAREN enters UR from the basement, dragging three chairs with her.  She tosses them onto the pile.  She tries to push the pile closer to the front door.  There is a KNOCK AT THE DOOR.  She frantically pushes harder.)

KAREN. Go away!  There's nobody home!

(Whoever is outside tries the door.  It is unlocked.  They try to push it open.)

KAREN. I have a gun!

OUTSIDER. (O.S.) No, you don't.

KAREN. I have a knife!

OUTSIDER. (O.S.) No, you don't.

KAREN. I'm calling the police!

OUTSIDER. (O.S.) Your phone is disconnected.

(Karen reacts, thwarted.  Then…)

KAREN. I'll scream!!

(Whoever is outside stops rattling the doorknob.  Karen breathes a sigh of relief.)

(Then the OUTSIDER appears at the Window!  Karen SCREAMS!)

(She continues to scream as the Outsider, climbs in through the open window.  When the Outsider is all the way inside, she stops screaming.)

KAREN. Oh, it's you.  Hi.

(She spritzes him with window cleaner, then gives him a hug.)

OUTSIDER. What the hell is going on here, Karen!?!

KAREN. I'm social distancing.

OUTSIDER. That was two years ago!!

KAREN. You can never be too safe.

(She spritzes him with window cleaner again.)

OUTSIDER. You left the window wide open!

KAREN. Well, I'm not going to be fanatical about it.

(Outsider throws up his hands in exasperation and starts to climb back out the window.  She shouts after him:)

KAREN. You can't spell "pandemic" without "panic"!

(Karen takes out a dust rag and spritzes the pile of furniture, as the LIGHTS FADE.)

Play 2

For Sale by Owner

by Jeff Goode

(LIGHTS UP ON: Living Room of a small House.  Front Door SL.  Window with tattered blinds UC.  Stage Right is a long narrow Hallway leading UR.  At the end of the hallway, a Door to the R, presumably leads to the basement.  The Living Room is filled with furniture and debris, stacks of old newspapers, most of it piled against the front door.)

(We hear something SKITTERING at the front door.  It JIGGLES THE DOORKNOB, tries to push the door open, but it is blocked by the pile of debris.)

(We hear whatever is out there SKITTERING around the corner of the building.  Then a GIANT COCKROACH appears at the open window.  It leans in the window and SCREECHES into the empty room.  No response.  The Giant Cockroach withdraws from the window and takes out its CELL PHONE.  It screeches into the phone:)

DAR. Kai, it's Dar, where are you?  I'm right outside.

(ANOTHER GIANT COCKROACH bursts in from the basement.  She hurries down the hallway, talking into her cell phone:)

KAI. Sorry, I'm running late.  Come in, come in!

(DAR clambers in through the window and tumbles onto the living room floor.)

KAI. Watch your carapace.

DAR. It's okay, I need to molt a new one anyway.

(Dar gets up, dusts himself off, looks around.)

DAR. I like what you've done with the place.  How did you find it?

KAI. I knew the previous owner.  She used to try to stomp me.

DAR. I see it comes furnished.

KAI. That was Susan.  When I told her I was moving back in, she tried to barricade the doors.  But the walls are like Swiss cheese, and there's an open sewer main in the basement.

DAR. Gotta love being so close to public transportation.

KAI. And it's in a very good school district.

DAR. Mmm.  Cafeteria food.  So why are you selling?

KAI. Well, the folks are getting older and Dad came down with a really bad case of pesticide.

DAR. Ya gotta watch what you eat.  Well, I'm prepared to make an offer.  But I would like to see that sewer main.

KAI. Right this way.

(The Giant Cockroaches head up the hallway to the basement.)

(LIGHTS FADE TO BLACK.)

Play 3

From Inside the House

by Jeff Goode

(LIGHTS UP ON: Living Room of a small House.  Front Door SL.  Window with tattered blinds UC.  Stage Right is a long narrow Hallway leading UR.  At the end of the hallway, a Door to the R, presumably leads to the basement.  The Living Room is filled with furniture and debris, stacks of old newspapers, most of it piled against the front door.)

(JANICE enters from the basement with a couple of folding chairs.  She tosses them on the pile in the living room, then tries to push the whole pile closer to the front door.  Her CELL PHONE RINGS.  She hesitates, before answering it:)

JAN. Who is this?!  Why do you keep calling here?!  ...  What do you mean "He's coming for me"?  Who's coming??  Who is he?  Who are you??  Who am I???  What is happening?!?!?

(There is a KNOCK AT THE DOOR.  Janice freezes, petrified.  The DOORKNOB JIGGLES and Janice SCREAMS like she's in a horror movie!  The jiggling stops.  Janice watches the door in silent terror.  But the person outside has walked around the corner of the house and suddenly APPEARS AT THE WINDOW!!  Janice SCREAMS again.  She continues to scream as the person outside opens the window and climbs in through it.  Once he is inside and steps into the light, Janice stops screaming, because she realizes it's her ex-boyfriend DANIEL.)

JAN. Daniel!  Thank God it's you!

DAN. What the hell happened?!

JAN. It's the Creeper!  He just called again!  He said he's coming for me.  I know you think it's a harmless prank, or that I'm crazy, but you have to believe me!

DAN. I do believe you.  That's why I came.  I talked to my friend down at the police station.  They ran a trace on your cell phone.  Janice, the calls?  The calls are coming from inside the house.

(Janice lets out another BLOODCURDLING SCREAM.  Daniel covers her mouth to stop her.)

DAN. (whispers) We have to get out of here.

JAN. (whispers) You're right, we have to get out of here.

(Janice runs to the pile of furniture and frantically begins to un-barricade the door.  But Daniel hears something, stops her.)

DAN. (whispers) Janice, stop!  Do you hear that?

(They hear something climbing the steps from the basement.)

DAN. (whispers) Something's coming.

(They both grab pieces of furniture to use as weapons.)

(FLORIA enters from the basement with as many folding chairs as she can carry.)

FLO. I found some more folding chairs in the storage space.

(Floria tosses the folding chairs on the pile.  Janice and Daniel hide their weapons.)

FLO. Oh, hi.  You must be Daniel.  Jan told me all about you.  Dick.

(Floria heads back down to the basement.  Janice grins sheepishly.  Daniel is livid.)

DAN. You got a roommate?!?  

JAN. Okay, yes, but I didn't tell you, because I knew you would be mad.

DAN. Did it ever occur to you that she might be the one making all these prank phone calls?!?  From inside your house!!

JAN. (realizes he's right:) Ahhhhhhhhhh…

(They both pick up weapons and creep down the hall toward the basement.)

(From the pile of debris in the living room, THE CREEPER rises.  Takes out its cell phone and places a call:)

CREEPER. (whispers into phone:) They're coming for you…

(Janice and Daniel charge into the basement, as The Creeper watches them go. BLACKOUT.)